My 'saved' husband leads a very raunchy private life
by the Daily Nation -Edited by Onuko David
Photo/FILE/POSED BY MODELS When I asked my husband what was happening, he said the messages were nothing but a thrill-seeking hobby, that he thought the other woman appreciated him more than I did, and that he would not repeat the mistake.
By PHILIP KITOTO
Posted Sunday, June 19 2011 at 10:43
Posted Sunday, June 19 2011 at 10:43
Dear Philip,
I am 32 years old and my husband of five years is 36. We are both born-again Christians.
I am writing because I recently found some amorous text messages between my husband and another woman on his mobile phone.
When I asked him what was happening, he said the messages were nothing but a thrill-seeking hobby, that he thought the other woman appreciated him more than I did, and that he would not repeat the mistake.
Even though he said that nothing had happened between him and the other woman, I fear their raunchy text messages may lead to an affair.
I do not trust him any more and this is affecting our marriage. What should I do? And, by the way, are such messages considered cheating?
Agnes.
-----------------
Hi Agnes,
In my humble opinion, this does not amount to cheating — unless there are other things between your husband and this woman that you are not aware of.
You are right though; in most relationships, such behaviour could lead to an affair. Therefore, the way you manage this situation is important.
Try not to intimidate him, but counter his sexting with a firm but loving talk. Affairs do not just happen, there is some thought process that goes into it.
Before one cheats on their spouse, a mental journey and decisions have taken place and once the perfect opportunity presents itself, the person cheats.
You are right to be concerned about the texts, but ensure that you are sharing your feelings with your husband openly, firmly, and with genuine concern.
Avoid language that will harden him and drive him away. People cheat because the initial thrill of marriage has worn off and they start seeking it elsewhere.
Therefore, ensure that your differences do not end up in unfair treatment of each other. Second, as a couple grows older in marriage, the things they did while younger are quickly forgotten or taken for granted.
The regular dates are replaced by occasional trips upcountry, while surprise appreciation with flowers is replaced by trips to the supermarket for bread.
What we fail to realise is that these usually small but unappreciated gestures are very important in a relationship.
My advice to you is to get into a process of forgiving and rediscovering the thrills you had when you were first married.
Develop a climate at home that will be attractive to your man and his friends, and remain gentle, loving, and attractive. This is what will change him.
However, where actions that border on abuse and neglect are detected, seek support from a mentor or counsellor immediately.
God bless you and your marriage.
---------------------------------------
Hello Philip,
I have been in a relationship with a man for two years now. Being staunch Christians, we were planning to formally wed last year when he called off the relationship, saying God had spoken to him and told him that it had no future.
This was humiliating and discouraging because we had gone far with the wedding plans. I could not understand how the same God who brought us together would reverse His intentions and separate us.
A month after the break-up, I learnt that he had started a relationship with another woman from our church.
But after going out for a few months, he also called off their relationship, and now he wants me back.
He says it was not his fault that we broke up and blames his actions on the devil for “tempting him”.
If you were in my shoes, what would you do? Would you accept him back? I love him, but I get the feeling that he is playing around with other women.
I don’t trust him anymore, and the more he pursues me, the more I get confused.
Please help,
Ally.
---------------
Hi Ally,
Being a Christian, I know that the spirit of God does indeed speak to us. But God is not a god of confusion; he will confirm His words through other sources — such as other people — and through His Word.
However, that said, I feel your doubt and the resultant frustrations over this relationship.
Even though God directs people through life’s decisions, such instructions, when communicated to you, must be in line with the character and nature of God, and here we are talking about honesty, trustworthiness, and consistency.
What I see here is a man who wants to use the excuse of God’s voice to his undue advantage. Remember, the Bible says that we shall know such people by their fruit.
Please take some time off to pray before you make any decisions about the future he is offering you.
You have every right to doubt him and you need to ask him the questions that disturb you. Ask God to direct you towards the right decision.
If I were you, I would be hesitant to say “yes” to such a relationship unless I get assurances that the mistakes of the past shall not be repeated.
I pray that God will reveal to you his plans and purposes for your life. All the best.
--------------------
Hello Philip,
I am a Third Year student in university, aged 20. My problem is that I seem to only prefer women who are much older than me (between 24 and 30).
It is not that I purposely set out to search for them, but I just realised that all the women I have been involve with are way older than me.
I find girls my age so immature and unsocial that I cannot even hold a constructive conversation with them. Now I am interested in a 29-year-old woman who has shown a keen interest in me.
Although I am nine years younger, she has been calling me regularly from outside the country and I think we are on the verge of starting a fire.
Do you think this is right? Is there anything wrong with a man dating a much older woman?
Thanks,
Ted.
---------------
Hi Ted,
There is nothing wrong with dating an older woman. Every spouse is attracted to different qualities or attributes in the other.
The most important goal in dating is to discover what turns us on and pulls us towards a connection.
Although these reasons may be selfish initially, a couple should gradually grow from such shallow ideas about relationships to much more bolder, firmer issues that make a marriage stand the test of time.
Since we mature at different ages, what attracts us to the opposite sex differs from person to person. It seems you have matured much faster than your peers. That is why your likes are different.
Your taste for older women may be because of associating or growing up in a family that hastened your maturity.
But as you grow older, you will find that the age gap will close and that you will share ideas with women of a wider age range — younger and older alike.
Even though our society dictates that men should date and marry younger women, this has no intrinsic value.
It is okay to date a woman older than you... as long as you do not live in an illusion that society will be okay with it.
--------------------
Hello Philip,
I’m a woman aged almost 24 years and the mother of a boy aged almost a year. Since the boy was born, things have not been smooth between us.
First, he refused to contribute towards the upkeep of the child, yet he is proud to claim that he is the father.
Knowing that my continued stay in such a relationship would not bode well, I decided to end it and move on.
Now I am on the verge of another relationship that will, hopefully, lead to marriage.
If all goes well, I would like the new man to take full responsibility for the boy, but I fear that the other man may not be willing to let go without a fight.
Also, if I do not make the right documentation right away, this man may emerge years from now when the boy is grown up and successful to claim him as his son.
The boy’s father is currently living with another woman and they have children together. Their relationship was part of the reason for our break-up.
I have not registered the birth of the boy yet because I am torn between listing his biological father and the new man, who is likely to bring him up.
Please help me act in the best interest of the child because I do not want to have anything to do with his father.
Time is running out and I want to make this decision as fast as possible.
Thank you,
Anne.
-----------------
Hi Anne,
You have to realise that, first, this child has a biological father and mother. No matter how hard you try to run away from that fact, it will always stare you in the eye.
Second, talk with your boyfriend concerning your desire for him to be the father. Once this is settled, there are legal means to have the child officially adopted into your new family.
You may need to see a lawyer about this. Whatever you do, do not leave it pending as you get into marriage.
Third, do not let the fear of the future or the unknown deter you from the plans you have for your life or that of your child.
From your note, it is clear that the father of your child is continuing with his life.
Get the child’s birth certificate with all the right information on it, then discuss the future with your boyfriend at the right time.
If he is willing to adopt the child, then you and he can take off into wedded bliss.
All the best.
No comments:
Post a Comment